I mainly used Hinge and Bumble. Fully fleshed out, verified profiles on both of them, clearly describing what I was after (ie, after a serious relationship, looking for a child-free vegan partner etc). Had premium subscription on both of them too, for more filter options and chances of getting matched. I also followed the golden rule of only swiping right on someone who actually matched my interests, and someone I could see myself having a relationship with (so no swiping on Instagram models and obvious catfishers).
I did get matches, but ALL the chats went nowhere. They all start off well, we make some small talks and the chats frizzle off over time or they ghost you.
I was doing this religiously for several months, spending at least an hour or two each day, going thru all the profiles, reading all their bios, searching again with different filters in case my strict filters missed someone etc. And after months of doing this, I burnt out. I didn’t manage to land a single meetup, never mind actually having a date. It made me very depressed and my self esteem took a big blow, it made me wonder whether it was really worth wasting so much time on this, only to end up getting depressed. So I binned the whole idea of actively looking for someone, and thought I’d be best to leave it up to fate, and decided to just go back and focus on my career and hobbies instead.
It’s been over six months now since I’ve been away from the dating game and mentally I’m doing so much better. I’ve got a new job which is going well too, I’ve been hitting my goal of 10,000 steps a day and have pretty much sorted out all my diet/nutrition bits where I was lacking a bit previously, plus I’m enjoying the new Cyberpunk 2077 update on my PS5 which has finally lived up to its hype, so, life is good and I can’t really complain. I’ve accepted that not all people can have everything, so I’ve moved on. In saying that, I would be lying if I didn’t feel jealous seeing people with partners or when I see threads like these, but I guess I just have to not dwell on it, and move on with my life.
I feel like it’s just something that takes a long time, the disparity between women to men automatically puts guys at a disadvantage. Plus there’s tons of people who are on these sites, but not actually looking for a relationship… they just want to flirt a bit and never actually meet. It can absolutely crush your soul, so being content with the rest of your life is important. It’s really easy to believe there’s something wrong with you, even though there really isn’t.
I had written so much and I clicked up vote on the comment below this and it vanished. I am so sad. Let me try again.
It sounds like you were doing a lot right! But this:
I did get matches, but ALL the chats went nowhere. They all start off well, we make some small talks and the chats frizzle off over time or they ghost you.
What happened here? How long were you chatting?
My advice (to anyone, maybe not you if you’re off the apps) is to ask people out sooner. If they matched with you and responded reasonably well to your first message, they have signalled interest. That’s most of what you need.
I usually match, write a message specific to them (never send a generic message, guys!), and then see what they say. After a handful of good exchanges I’ll usually ask them out. If you ever end on like “let’s chat again tomorrow” when you’re still interested and you haven’t asked them out, you probably fucked up
“Do you want to have a date, talk more about {X}, and see if we get along in person?” has worked well for me.
If you don’t ask them out, someone bolder will, and most people will prioritize a real person they’ve met over a blip in an app.
One of my women friends often complains about men who write and chat and dither and never ask her out.
I hope this helps someone. It does sound like your life is in a good place though.
Cheers for the reply and sorry you lost your original comment, I hate it when that happens to me!
What happened here? How long were you chatting?
Nothing really, they just never went anywhere. I would usually chat for maybe 2-3 days, and I think the longest chat I’ve had active was for a week. The problem is I’m not really good at chatting (it just feels so fake asking the same old small talk stuff, like you know, how you feel inside when put on a fake smile?), and I don’t know how to organically switch from a random small talk to asking them out.
After a handful of good exchanges I’ll usually ask them out.
Whats your criteria for this? What’s a good number of exchanges, and do you ask your dealbreaker / serious questions during this time, or just keep it all casual, like asking them about their interests etc?
I mainly used Hinge and Bumble. Fully fleshed out, verified profiles on both of them, clearly describing what I was after (ie, after a serious relationship, looking for a child-free vegan partner etc). Had premium subscription on both of them too, for more filter options and chances of getting matched. I also followed the golden rule of only swiping right on someone who actually matched my interests, and someone I could see myself having a relationship with (so no swiping on Instagram models and obvious catfishers).
I did get matches, but ALL the chats went nowhere. They all start off well, we make some small talks and the chats frizzle off over time or they ghost you.
I was doing this religiously for several months, spending at least an hour or two each day, going thru all the profiles, reading all their bios, searching again with different filters in case my strict filters missed someone etc. And after months of doing this, I burnt out. I didn’t manage to land a single meetup, never mind actually having a date. It made me very depressed and my self esteem took a big blow, it made me wonder whether it was really worth wasting so much time on this, only to end up getting depressed. So I binned the whole idea of actively looking for someone, and thought I’d be best to leave it up to fate, and decided to just go back and focus on my career and hobbies instead.
It’s been over six months now since I’ve been away from the dating game and mentally I’m doing so much better. I’ve got a new job which is going well too, I’ve been hitting my goal of 10,000 steps a day and have pretty much sorted out all my diet/nutrition bits where I was lacking a bit previously, plus I’m enjoying the new Cyberpunk 2077 update on my PS5 which has finally lived up to its hype, so, life is good and I can’t really complain. I’ve accepted that not all people can have everything, so I’ve moved on. In saying that, I would be lying if I didn’t feel jealous seeing people with partners or when I see threads like these, but I guess I just have to not dwell on it, and move on with my life.
I feel like it’s just something that takes a long time, the disparity between women to men automatically puts guys at a disadvantage. Plus there’s tons of people who are on these sites, but not actually looking for a relationship… they just want to flirt a bit and never actually meet. It can absolutely crush your soul, so being content with the rest of your life is important. It’s really easy to believe there’s something wrong with you, even though there really isn’t.
I had written so much and I clicked up vote on the comment below this and it vanished. I am so sad. Let me try again.
It sounds like you were doing a lot right! But this:
What happened here? How long were you chatting?
My advice (to anyone, maybe not you if you’re off the apps) is to ask people out sooner. If they matched with you and responded reasonably well to your first message, they have signalled interest. That’s most of what you need.
I usually match, write a message specific to them (never send a generic message, guys!), and then see what they say. After a handful of good exchanges I’ll usually ask them out. If you ever end on like “let’s chat again tomorrow” when you’re still interested and you haven’t asked them out, you probably fucked up
“Do you want to have a date, talk more about {X}, and see if we get along in person?” has worked well for me.
If you don’t ask them out, someone bolder will, and most people will prioritize a real person they’ve met over a blip in an app.
One of my women friends often complains about men who write and chat and dither and never ask her out.
I hope this helps someone. It does sound like your life is in a good place though.
Cheers for the reply and sorry you lost your original comment, I hate it when that happens to me!
Nothing really, they just never went anywhere. I would usually chat for maybe 2-3 days, and I think the longest chat I’ve had active was for a week. The problem is I’m not really good at chatting (it just feels so fake asking the same old small talk stuff, like you know, how you feel inside when put on a fake smile?), and I don’t know how to organically switch from a random small talk to asking them out.
Whats your criteria for this? What’s a good number of exchanges, and do you ask your dealbreaker / serious questions during this time, or just keep it all casual, like asking them about their interests etc?
Just… who the fuck are you, and why are you me? Are you my doppelganger? Because, yikes.
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